I spent my early career years in Western world like US,
Germany, Switzerland, Greece, UK. It was so common to find single parents, middle
aged singles and divorcees, young live-ins, separated parents, remarriages and people
with loss of faith in marriage. This is not to say that there were also happily
married families for many years with second generation children. This life style was a surprise
for someone like me coming from a traditional orthodox Hindu family from India.
For us, family was paramount and divorce / separation was unthinkable.
This is
changing fast even in India. We come across young couples getting divorced
after few years of marriage. What is also changing is that people are getting separated after many years of marriage. I recently came across few old friends of
mine who are getting divorced after over 25+ years of marriage. Even with grown up children, couples are not able to adjust with each
other. The pain of separation is insurmountable. So what has changed and why are
Indian marriages are falling apart more than ever :
- Ego
and Esteem : This is where the problem starts!!! Many instances there
are no real issues but it is not being able to adjust with each other.
Usne kya kaha and tune kya kaha… Wo ladakoo hai… these are the things how
it starts. No fight happens because of a single person. Fight
only happens when there are two equals and both thinking that they are
justified. Even if one person compromise, the problem will be solved.
The problem compounds when parents and friends jump in with their opinions…
Oh.. wo to bura insaan hai.. bura kya hai.. ladta rehta hai.. On the other
hand, real issues… like a girlfriend, second marriage… do you think these
are real issues… Yes, these are real issues but marriages have still
worked. Many of our famous people, actors, politicians, industrialist have
second wives and live in partners still their marriages have not broken..
why? Because they accept their partner even with mistakes. On the other
hand marriages fail because of ego and esteem even if there are no reason.
- Nuclear
Vs Joint Family : Everybody like independence... so in good times, it is
fun. You are yourself and doing whatever you want to do. In a joint
family, the focus is also on the other members and folks. The effect is
both inward and outward. One thinks less of self and there is distraction.
So internal issues between husband and wife are less.
- Role
of Parents : This has changed drastically in last few decades and I
consider this as single biggest reason for failed marriages. The
current parents (in-laws) themselves are nucleus and in many cases, they
do not mind their daughters and sons to split as they believe that their
child is correct. They do not put pressure on their child to adjust and
stay put. It might be difficult to understand this point. What if a girls
parent taunting say to the girl, “Oh dear… your husband is unfair…”
or “Oh dear… your husband is rude is stubborn!!!”. This is
enough to break the family. This will break girls heart and she will
be in no-man’s island. In that moment itself, her trust, love and respect
for her husband will go in air. So parents of both sides have to be very careful.
Instead of encouraging their children they should discourage them from
splitting.
- Arranged
Marriage Vs Love Marriage : An arranged marriage is a marriage of two
families. It is not the process, the oath, the Yagna but it a cummilation
of all and the blessing of both the families. When there is stress in
marriage, the pressure, guidance of both the sides make the marriage work.
It is an effort from both families to keep the estranged family bound.
- Financial
and social independence : I do not think that there are more divorces
as women are more independent. All around there are successful marriages
of working women who have admiringly taken care of their husband,
children, in-laws and their job. It is amazing and the credit goes primarily
to the women. WOW!!
- Society
: There are two extremes. Few days back my wife jokingly said that triple
Talaq is most painful to two sets of people. One Muslim Women
and Second Hindu Men. One gets divorced by mere uttering of the “T”
word 3 times whereas the Hindu men do not get divorced forever till the
wife allows it. It is crazy, I have many friends undergoing the painful
process of Divorce. Some are lucky for an easy settlement but many have to
undergo real, real police situation and which in many cases is too
harsh and misused. But this is a war which has no
winners. Both side are the losers. The whole family is destroyed. All joy
is replaced by the sorrow.
The trauma of separation is profound for the immediate family i.e. for
husband and wife and the children but it is a reality of today’s society. As we
get more modern and independent, pressures from parents, relatives and society
is less and separation happens. How can this be lessened. Somethings that we
can try :
- Such
estranged couple should seek counselling. The counsellors can be
professional or with in the family but the counsellors should be fair and
with empathy and not biased.
- They
should try to live separately for some time. Staying with their parents
for about 15 days will give them a break and also time for introspection.
- Think
of their children. Children will bear the trauma of their
parents fighting and separation. They are lost and confused. Their faith
in their parents and god is devastated and this can impact their life all
together.
- Trust and Love. In our fight, we forget the love and joy that we had in our years of togetherness. Trust is the key. If there is a breach of trust, reconsider it. Is it a matter of trust or is it a matter of distrust. Why are you distrusting someone.
Breaking of marriages after decades of togetherness is very
painful for everyone and not just the couple. However, this is not the end of life.
DO NOT END LIFE!!!. Instead give meaning to life. Like I said
before, no pain is for ever. Give some time. Life moves on. You will also come
out of it. There are hundreds of divorced couples around. This is the way it is!!!.
So one can remain in the materialistic world and move on with life. Some even
find another life partner. On the other hand, it can lead to Vairagya.. to leave
the materialist world and go towards the spiritual world.
This is what the sages and our scriptures like Vedas and Gita
tells us.
What life did not give you, try to give that to someone who needs
it. Do something for others.
